Thursday, August 18, 2011

YOU CURED ALZHIEMER'S! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is actually a fairly admirable achievement, respectable for the restraint it shows in the areas of CGI, pacing, and morality.

For a film about animal experimentation and the disasterous consequences, it could be forgiven for featuring heavy-handed moralising nobody is demonised, and no noble animal rights activist stands up in the final third and screams "You maniacs!". It tells the story first and allows the audience to make up their minds after, in the purest sense of the cliched phrase.

The CGI is blatant but oddly forgivable. While the Computer Generated camera still insists on doing the loops and swirls clearly impossible from a real camera, the fact that the film averts rendering anything less believable than a few monkeys (i.e. a giant fantasy army) allows the audience (i.e. me) to consciously shore up the suspension of disbelief on the grounds that the filmmakers were simply saving a bit of money and a lot of trouble on casting real chimps. There is an odd fixation on the chimp's eyes - the least renderable body part - but for the most part it holds up, or can at worst be overlooked.

The pacing is perhaps the finest aspect. Disposing of the model of having the pacing consist of a series of peaks and troughs mathmatically calculated to occur at scientifically approved moments throughout the film - the same model that killed Captain America stone dead and by which you could have set your watch by - it instead has moves along steadilly with a gradual build to a natural climax. Plotted on a graph it would be a line. This same tight pacing lets the switch from family drama to ape prison break occur with minimal disruption, and also ensures that no aspect is dwelled upon longer than necessary - neither the humans or the apes, nor the scenes of tragedy or cruelty.

Altogether a solid film plus monkeys.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Man arrested for having sex with bike



This repulsive Snow git had better not end up as the main romantic interest.

It's possible that Leona Lewis song may be the best part of FFXIII. Everything else seems to have been designed out of any sense of realism or taste.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

2012

The exclusive scene they released for 2012 is weird. The responses of the actors don't at all seem to match up to the CGI going on around them.

Inside the vehicle it's like they're having a fun, japey adventure while outside the vehicle hundreds of thousands of people are dying in a horrific natural disaster.



The new widescreen format doesn't sit well with the design fo this blog.

Friday, October 30, 2009

How Racist Are You? (The answer is very)

If you ever want to waste an hour of your life, watch channel 4's The Event: How Racist Are you? It consists of a reproduction of a famous 1960's psychological experiment, the method of which goes as follows:

  • Get a group of volunteers. Put them in a room.
  • Separate the volunteers into two groups - those with blue eyes and those with brown eyes.
  • Get an obnoxious bitch to shout abuse at both groups for 10 hours until the brown-eyed people are prejudiced towards the blue-eyed people.
  • Point a finger at the brown-eyed people and shout "Ah HA! RACISTS!".
As a demonstration on the prevalence of racism in society it's already shit, but even worse is that it doesn't even work. Not once in the 10 hours does anybody in the group even express anything racist. The closest they get is one mention of the word 'golliwog'.

Seemingly in desperation, the psychologists decide to interpret the actions of the volunteers who refuse to take part in enforced racism and leave as evidence that they're racists.

If the volunteers leave, they're racist.
If the volunteers stay and be racist, they're racist.
Nice falsifiable hypothesis, assholes.

It ends with the obnoxious, miserable bitch looking absolutely sour-faced because the brown-eyed people didn't start violently whipping the blue-eyed people and sending them to work in the fields like she wanted them to.

And she's clearly the most racist person in the room: "All white people are racists." Christ. Psychologists are plucking idiots.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Three things

1) It seems difficult to find a t-shirt these days which isn't daubed with nonsensical text and shapes, skulls, names of sports teams that nobody has heard of, or the word Osaka.

2) I'm behind on my novelty, internet-purchased t-shirt quota.

3) If anybody wants anything buying from the Valve merchandise site, now is the time to say so. You have 24 hours, starting now.

On the death of Patrick Swayzee...

At the rate at which celebrity deaths are becoming more and more relevant to me, it can't be many years before fate takes away an actor that I actually care about.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Over exposed

On a related note, I don't think I do get headaches from talking to women; I think it's just the fact that I've been wearing glasses more, which aren't really intended for viewing things at close range.

Though this implies that I only make eye contact with women; or that I'm exceptionally leery and in-their-face.

Not that I get headaches from talking to women or nothing.