I got a hangnail right under my cuticle

I've actually got a ulcer right above my mandible. It does hurt like a bitch that I did last night though. And it means that anything more solid than soup causes intense pain.

I can't even eat midget gems. How does a midget gem agrivate an ulcer?

Hope this news has brought a little light into your life.

Gy'orgy Arouss >> Assassin

My first RP character, a dancing gypsy knife-fighter, died on monday, torn in twain by an six armed demon woman.

In his place shall rise a rather stereotypical Assassin, who will be slightly more prepared for battle and have skills other than dancing.

Not that I didn't get an abnormal amount of use out of the skill Dancing.

Currently looking for Assassin names.

Jurassic Farce

Considering the amount of time I waste, it's a little odd that I should get annoyed at Jurassic Park wasting ten seconds of my life. When the DVD menu first loads, I'm forced to watch a brief clip of a raptor bounding across the floor of the Jurassic Park Visitor Center before the options even appear. And then when I choose an option, I get treated to another five-second, slightly-unpleasant clip of the raptor sliding back into frame and then leaping and screaming into my face, before the DVD accepts that I pressed 'Play Film' and actually Plays the Film.

All I want to do is Play the damn Film.

Maybe it's because those ten seconds are keeping me away from dinosaur fun, or because it's visually or auditory unpleasant, or because short DVD menu-animations are so ubiquitous these days.

Or maybe it's because Steven Spielberg has wasted enough of my time already.

Fucking Indiana Jones.

If a man steals to ensure that he's not done at work, is it truly stealing?

Microsoft Songsmith - it's the cool new thing.

It amazes me the number of times that adverts promote casual stealing. It seems that all marketing executives are under the impression that everybody else is willing to steal to attain a product, just because it's ludicrously tasty or whatever.

Maybe this is because everybody in marketing is evil.

Edit: Note that songsmith can hardly be attributed to the family now "having a happy home with every word in rhyme" because A) it doesn't come with a rhyming dictionary and B) the husband was singing normal speech even before coming into contact with the software.

The Emerald Crusade

Weapons/tools wielded by the zealous tree-planting wing of Greenpeace:

• A spring or gas powered gun that fires seeds into the soil. They would have to be coated in a protective substance that then dissolves, idealy providing nutrition in doing so. Name: Seedvolver (Or Peastol if used to plant peas)
  

• A crossbow that fires bamboo sticks into the ground. Name: Bambow.

• A shotgun that fires a cloud of fungal spores. Name: Mushboom stick.
  

This is a sign that I've been listening to too many TF2 weapon ideas.

Gaypeace

It's nice to see that Alistair McGowan is finally giving back to society, after that unpleasant identity-theft business. Rehabilitation works.

Similar to David Cameron though, you never seem to see Greenpeace doing anything particularly productive. Mostly they seem just to complain a lot and loudly, and stand or lie in the way of people or bulldozers.

I would be much more inclined to like them if they just pursued a super-aggressive campaign of tree-planting, attempting to force plants to grow in the most unlikely places.

Why can't a horde of Greenpeace activists descend upon Barnsley with shovels and soil, leaving eratically placed greenery in their wake?

They need an arm devoted entirely to reforestation and aforestation to publicly show off their nurturing side.

But then saving the planet isn't really a popularity contest.

Spider II

So now there's a spider in this room somewhere. Anywhere. What I hate about spiders, after the legs, and the hairfuzz, and the speed at which they move, is their ability to climb. The floor isn't safe. The walls aren't safe. The roof isn't safe.

Why, a spider could be clinging to the underside of this computer table right now.

Coating the skirting board in honey is the only way to limit them to a single plane.

Spider

My poor heart is going a kilometre a minute. There was some fat spider on the wall behind the monitor, just high enough to make it impossible to watch both the screen and it's rotten arse at the same time. Was happily going about my internet business when it suddenly plumetted down into my field of view and down the back of the computer table.

Incompetent wall-hanging fuck.

Quit whining

I know nothing about politics but if I see one more headline beginning with the words 'Cameron criticizes-' or 'Cameron slams-' I'm never voting Conservative.

Actually, that's a bit much. If I see five such headlines between now and the next general election then I won't vote Conservative for fifteen years.

Hangover Watch

I don't feel sick but I feel that I could start feeling sick within the hour, and start being sick shortly thereafter.

My head is clear.

My vision is a little pained.

My throat feels somewhat constricted.

I am off my food.

I could probably make a good haiku out of these symptoms.

They may take our freedom

It often worries me that come the day when a totalitarian regime gains power in this country, I'm likely one of the people who'll sit back and let it. Wakey Town was absolutely swarming with Po Po and I quite liked it. It felt safe.

Admittedly, this is in direct contrast to Huddersfield, where a violent stabbing or fatal shooting happens every other weekend. But there's a certain willingness with which I bend over to Authority and think of England.